Big bucket o' crazy

Like most unemployed folks, I've taken to perusing craigslist. I saw an ad for "female tv spokesperson wanted" so I was like damn, I can do that. I replied to the email and got a response that they would be holding auditions / screen tests on Friday. (This was Wednesday.) I got another email on Thursday asking if we could chat on the phone sometime between 7-8pm Thursday night. However, I was painting all day, so didn't get the email until like 11pm. I responded, sorry I missed you, blah blah blah. Then he responded today (Friday) saying "I'd like to do that phone call if you call me within the next hour." Of course I didn't get the email in time. I called & left a message saying sorry I missed you blah blah blah. I still had hope for this opportunity.


Then I got this email:
************************
Everyone,
Ok, still pounding away on pre-production, if you need to call me call after 6:30 please, so, here's the skinny:
1. Try and be there around 7:40 p.m. (here are a mock interview sides and an overview for the MUSE - see attached)
2. We will do the interview with the same questions with each person in an avante gard fashion - lighting etc.
3. there are 3 songs each with a different twist - each will have a slide show happening on the green-screen behind me playing (see sample on YouTube channel - itsCARma1 - it's called Mermaid Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fsIuY9uEp4
4. We see some pose type slow modern dance form and some syncopated foreground shapes - here is a song sample: SING

ATTIRE:
1. interview < edgy androginous punk to masculine sheik, glasses, props etc. are a goody
2. Mermaid < anything flowing (white or solid) that can be carried with a fan
3. MUSE < interviewer outfits
4. Sing < more librarian vamp + euro-tramp
5. MEND < surprise us
*********************************************

And that's it. The email in its entirety, cut & pasted. It made as much sense to me as it does to you. Just to be sure I hadn't blown a gasket, Jay read it too. Now we were both confused about what was expected of me. What the hell kind of outfits am I supposed to bring? I emailed back basically WTF? He called me and I answered. Before even saying "Is this Des? This is Tim." He said "This is the Asheville Zoning Commission. We understand you've been painting without a painter's cap."" Yes, I did tell him I was painting my new house, but that's still an odd way to start a conversation with someone you've never talked to before. We had this conversation: "You don't know I wasn't wearing a painter's cap."
"I've been watching you from afar."
"Hey, that's really creepy."

The conversation turned to some state of normalcy and I got some of my questions kind of answered. As for the outfits, he said "bring something that shows off your character." So I changed into my long flowy skirt & brown peasant blouse (you know, what I would - and do - wear for a regular day). I brought the outfit I interview for real jobs in, and a fun purple polka dotted dress. Remember, most of my clothes are still packed. Cut to around 7:30pm tonight, we head out. He had said initially be there around 7:30, then 7:40, so we figured this was good.

We arrive and out front there's a guy taking photos of a girl on a picnic table. This is him. I introduce myself, and he gestures to the girl, who has 2 fully tattooed sleeves. "This is Meredith, she's helping me out a bit." This makes it seem like she's his assistant or something. But no, apparently she is another auditioner. I get a few pictures taken on the picnic table and we head inside.

We're at the studio for Asheville public tv. The guy goes into whatever room to do whatever he needs to do. Jay and I make small talk with Meredith, and she seems ok. Then this other chick walks in, and is immediately stupid and bitchy. She speaks loudly to the room about how she got lost and her car is in another parking lot really far away and she doesn't even know who she's supposed to be meeting or why. I wanted to tell her that I've lived in this town a month and was able to fnd the place ok (I mean it's downtown!) but decide to just look at her confusedly instead. Then she says to the random guys who actually work at the studio "Hey friend, where can I get some water?" But she said it not like they were friends at all, but her servants.

So we're all hanging around, making small talk with each other and some of the studio guys. Actually that's a lie - Meredith is talking about how the brain stops producing lithium and that's why she's bi-polar and that's why she did cocaine for 9 years. She no longer seems like an ok person. The other girl is chiming in with her stupidity. I actually felt myself getting dumber just by sitting near her. I don't have any specific examples, but you all know people like that.

It is now about 9pm, and we haven't heard anything from the guy that's supposed to be auditioning us or whatever, except when he asked what other kinds of outfits I had. Apparently he didn't like what I was wearing. He told me to wear the businessy thing, so I changed. And sat around some more. When Meredith said "well my IQ is 178, so..." I decided that it was time for us to leave. I could have handled chatting with my "competition" if any progress had been made in the actual audition department, but there were 3 girls there and we'd been there for over an hour and a half with nothing happening.

So me and Jay went and got Chinese food, and I apologized for making him sit through that.

we live in a zoo

Femi sleeps in Jessica's room, Lily sleeps in Jessica's roommate's room, and Mecrutio sleeps in our room. Lately the roommate hasn't been home so we've been taking care of Lily. Poor little sausage dog gets lonely, so we decided to leave our door open in case she wanted to come sleep with us. I had no idea that her tiny legs would have the power to propel her onto our bed, which is a few feet of the ground, but the other night BAM! Dog on the bed.

Thankfully, Lily and Mecrutio completely ignore each other. (It's Femi that likes to chase the cat.) So when Lily jumped up to cuddle, Mecru didn't bat an eyelash. We all spent a very warm night jammed into a full-size bed: me, Jay, Lily, and Mecrutio. I was especially warm because Lily slept on my feet. But whatever, I deal.

Until the morning. God forbid someone drive by, because Lily has to bark her little sausage head off. This not only startles Jay and I awake, it also startles Mecru awake. When the cat is startled, he bolts. Have I mentioned that Mecrutio sleeps on my chest? So when he bolted I got 2 very long painful scratches across my chest & neck.

This made for a few grumpy minutes while Lily was kicked out of the bedroom and the cat retreated under the bed. We got back to sleep, and then there were at least 2 separate birds outside taunting the cat. CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP, really loud, right next to the window, right above our heads. Eventually I got fed up with it and went into the living room. Jay later told me that another bird came and did the same thing later, which forced him to wake up.

Add this to our curtainless, East-facing windows that allow the hot morning sun to shine right on our faces, and needless to say, we didn't sleep well that night. Sleeping arrangements have since been altered.

what would des readers do?

Remember how sometimes I sell jewelry? (Yeah I barely remember either, that's ok.) But I got a message via etsy the other week asking if I would take "well concealed cash" as a payment instead of paypal, which is the standard. I'll admit, I'm hurting for money and it was only $7, so I said yes. Then she changed her mind and wanted a cool necklace that I've had for a while. Fine, more money. I had to "remind" her to actually purchase the item through etsy, and she could send payment that way.

So today Jay gets the mail while I'm at work. He calls me, which is weird because normally he would just text or email. Well, the cash certainly was well concealed. The outer envelope is completely covered in scotch tape. Inside, there's a receipt of sorts, with order #, price, etc. This is also covered in tape. Inside this is another envelope. Inside this is a bundle of tin foil and a note that says "please send change with necklace." Then there's the cash.

She sent me $40 instead of the $35 that she needed to.

Is it really so hard to break a twenty dollar bill? So I'm a little annoyed. After all the pain in the butt, I'm expected to send her proper change. What makes her think I have a better chance of breaking that 20 than she did?

So I'm conflicted. I think I'm going to keep the extra $5. Yes, I would hate for someone to not send me my change, but then again, I would not ever require change for my purchase. I would have sent the proper amount. Actually, I would have just used paypal. Sure, the seller takes a small hit, but it's so much easier.

What would you do?

des as baby stealer

Today after work, I went to the mall. After buying a hair flower to match my bridesmaid's dress and a super totally awesome black hoodie with silver foil stars on it (that doesn't quite match my dress, but I'll be bringing it anyway) we took a bathroom break.

The bathrooms in this mall are down a long corridor, cut off from the rest of the world. There is a men's room, a women's room, and a family room. For those not wishing to use the facilities, there is a bench-couch to sit on. I sat myself there. Walking down the hallway at the same time as us was this family. The older boy was probably about 8, and he marched on in to the men's room the same time as Jay. The two women and the younger boy (around 5 or 6 years old) headed to the women's room, and not the family room.

"Jake, do you want to come in here with us? You can hold our bags."
"Can't I just sit out here?"
"No, I don't want someone taking you home without us."

This is not such an odd statement, in and of itself. However, I was the only person around. There was nobody else even in the hallway leading to the bathrooms, let alone the "foyer." So... this woman was not-so-subtley implying that I - sweet little ol' me - was going to kidnap her son.

Lady, I don't want your kid. I don't want anybody's kid. If I wanted a kid, I'd have one. But thanks for assuming that your precious boy is so super totally awesome that I'd steal him. We won't even go into the problem you have with forcing a child to go into the restroom with you. If he's old enough to protest, he's old enough to stay outside. Which means he's also old enough to put up a fight if I for some reason did want to try take him. And I don't.

So that's why I stole the other little boy.

Just kidding.

Maybe.

americans are crazy

I plan to actually rejoin the driving force, and not just on my 4 mile commute to work. I got a raise at work (thank you, thank you) so soon I shall purchase my own wheels and be master of all that I see once again. Yes, I appreciate being able to use my boyfriend's car, but it's not fun to drive. My car will be fun to drive, and thus I will be driving more often. Sadly, it will not be a mini I get, as they are still a little too expensive for me and they have that whole "4 month waiting list" thing, but I will buy something almost as small and almost as zippy. (I'm thinking a Chevy Cobalt coupe.)

One thing I have noticed though is that people in Detroit drive weird. Weirdly. I can handle it though - man, I'm from California! But the one that gets my goat is stopping at stoplights. Many people here stop like 2 car lengths behind the person in front of them. As you can imagine, this backs up traffic for absolutely no reason. Now, is it because they are so worried about damaging their (American, of course) car that they must not come within 20 feet of another car, front or back? Or are they so excited about their SUV / muscle car / blingmobile that they need the extra space for when they totally gun it when the light turns green?

I do not do this. People in California generally do not do this. We know that there a lot of people driving, and we all need to cram onto the road all at once. More so, people in NYC do not do this. Granted, I never actually dove while I lived there, but I observed. There is no space on the little island of Manhattan for people to be leaving multiple car lengths at stoplights. New Yorkers know that if there is a space left, it won't be for long because someone will fill it up right quick.

Maybe that's it - Michiganders feel like they have all this open space, why cram all up in each others' grilles at stoplights? There's plenty of room here - look at all those areas that don't have any pavement at all. Why not enjoy it and appreciate it? But the flaw in that theory is that leaving large gaps at stoplights does not help one enjoy the wilderness. If you were going to enjoy the wilderness, you wouldn't be driving on a crowded road in the first place.

The point is, I don't get it. Is this just a Detroiter thang, or do other people do this? Enlighten me people, as I am clearly in the dark about this matter.

the best kind of crazy

I recently learned about Iggo the Viking. Seems that Iggo was beloved: he wrote fine poetry, was a fierce warrior in battle, and was generally well respected. (And I'm not just saying that because anyone who didn't respect him was brutally killed and made an example of.) Here is an anecdote from his life.

A friend of his made a long arduous journey to visit Iggo. You know how it was in those days, horseback, snowy mountains, etc, etc. So this guy, whose name escapes me, shows up and Iggo isn't there. But he is expected back soon. So the friend sticks around for the standard 3 days and still no Iggo. Since it would be rude to outstay his welcome, he decides to head home. He tells Iggo's family that he is leaving a large, ornate shield for Iggo as a gift.

When Iggo comes home, he sees the beautiful shield. Instead of saying "aw, what a nice friend I have to come all this way and bring me such a nice gift" (a gift of fear, perhaps?), he freaks out - literally goes ballistic - and screams something to the effect of "That Scoundrel! How dare he leave me such a nice gift! Now he expects me to stay up all night writing a poem in praise of him, but I am tired from my own journey and I don't wanna! Now he must die!" And Iggo set off after his friend to kill him.

It is not known whether the friend really did expect a poem in exchange for the gift, but it was the best Viking story I'd heard all day.

more about Griswold

Remember Griswold the squirrel? Apparently Jay needs companionship while I'm gone, and the cat & dog just don't cut it anymore.



When you click on it to make it bigger, you will notice a grainy quality. This is because your humble narrator and photographer was safely behind the closed screen door so there would be no face-eating of des by Griswold.

BUT Jay admits that the squirrel did try to eat his toes. You see? My face would be next. I'm not crazy paranoid.

Thank you eh*rmony! (post #1000!)

Yesterday Jay & I went to eat tasty tasty Mexican food. We were having fun already, but we got to observe a couple sitting a few tables away. From a variety of components we easily discerned that this was a first date. Their table was angled so that the guy was facing us and the woman faced away.

The first thing we noticed was the man's stance in his chair: leaning intently towards the woman, with one fist under his chin, the other arm looking like the brace for arm wrestling. His legs were in a state of readiness: if terrorists attacked Azteca in Madison Heights, he could spring into action at any time.

This body language denoted not only his military background (which would become even more clear in the course of conversation), but also that he was the dominant player in the conversation. This would also become more evident as time progressed, especially as he used phrases like "that's when I made the decision...". He was ripe for amateur psycho-analysis, which I am awesome at.

What's a good topic for conversation on a first date? Religion, of course. When we started paying attention to the couple, we heard this lovely snippet:

I once knew a guy from San Antonio, Texas who jumped onto a hand grenade to save 6 of his buddies. He made sure that he had "atheist" stamped on his dog tags. So even though he didn't think there was a Heaven, he was willing to die to save people's lives.

This of course led to more stories relating to war, another excellent 1st date topic. In his mind, it was a perfect time to bring up this hilarious anecdote:

...They have scars and cuts and stuff from when they fell down the hill, but they were holding their rifles, so it was kinda funny.

I for one find it uproariously funny when people holding guns fall down hills.

You know that the natural progression from stories involving guns is to talk about hunting. Yet another award-winning conversation starter on a 1st date. From this, we learned that the guy really likes eating duck, but isn't so fond of the 9 months it takes to prepare it. Luckily, though, "you can make chili out of anything." Even deer, apparently. Sorry, we were too busy laughing to catch all the details of that one.

Around this point, I noticed that the guy had a giant strawberry daiquiri, which was full when we walked in. Even though he was spending all this time talking (I don't think his date had gotten one word in), he had somehow found the time to guzzle his drink. We surmised from this, that he must have been an army ventriloquist. While we were wiping the tears of laughter out of our eyes, the waiter approached them to take their order. Wait a minute, they haven't ordered yet? They were here before us and we have our food already. No wonder the woman hadn't said anything - she was busy studying the menu. But we did get to hear her finally speak. It was totally worth the wait.

You guys aint got no more tomaters?

This gave the man more time to brag about himself. Did you know that he speaks Farso? That's right, not the Persian language Farsi, but Farso, which is apparently a very tricky language (since it doesn't exist). And that he spent 30 days - no wait, I mean 90 days - traveling in Europe? (That was his correction, not mine.) He even had a Native American friend that taught him to live off the land. One time, he met the Chief of Police of South Africa! Impressive, no? And his stories flowed together so seamlessly! It's a shame he "had to get back into shape and get his gun fixed after he got out of the army."

Finally the time came when it was time to talk about her. So he asked her: "I thought you got laid off?"

We were laughing so hard at this fiasco / date that we missed the woman's response. However, our attention was drawn once again when the waiter came over to their table and they asked to move "because the sun was in their eyes." Since I had been openly staring (Jay was a bit more discreet about observing our newfound blog fodder) and we were probably not as quiet as we could have been while repeating their phrases and mocking them, we knew that they were actually moving away from us. Yes, this made us laugh even harder. Oh sorry, were we ruining your date? Are you sure it wasn't you who was doing the ruining?

By this time, we were done with our meal and could hear naught but muffled bragging, so we decided to pack it up. I had been writing furiously in my handy dandy notebook so I didn't forget any of the excellent quotes and my hand was tired anyway. Plus, Jay had had a small "salsa mishap" so it was time to go.

But thank you, eh*rmony! Even if they didn't find true love, we found a whole afternoon of merriment. Hopefully some of that mirth can be now passed on to you, gentle readers.

You had to be there

First, watch this video. Actually, you only have to watch the first few seconds of it to be relevant to this blog post, but it's all funny.



So we are always singing the tune "What did we learn on the show tonight, Craig?" complete with the little merow at the end. And now that we have a tivo (because we are 5 years behind the times) we get to watch Craig Ferguson any time of the day we want. Actually, Craig played a great part in the decision to get a tivo because now that I'm back in the working world (starting Monday) I can't stay up so late anymore. BUT I digress.

So we were preparing to watch Craig at 6 in the evening rather than 12:30am. Mecrutio and I were standing in the doorway enjoying the sun, and Jay started the song. Then before I got a chance to do the merow, Mecru chimed in and did it for me. Granted, Mecru is not a tiny kitten anymore, so his merow was a tiny bit deeper and longer, but it was timed and toned perfectly.

It made me laugh so hard I cried, which in turn made Jay laugh, and meanwhile Mecrutio was utterly confused.

But yeah, you probably had to be there.




ps - the day before my birthday (which is this year a Friday the 13th!) Jay and I are going to see Craig live. I plan on laughing so hard I cry, and then telling all the internets about it a few days later.

say what you mean

Last night we hung with New Neighbor Friends. After rockin out some karaoke, we came home and went upstairs to their place. I let everyone know I wouldn't be staying long because I was tired. A few minutes in, I let Jay know I was tired and would be leaving soon. This was a good hint to prepare himself if he wanted to leave at the same time. Then a few minutes later, I actually did leave to go to bed. Jason stayed. That was fine.

After tossing and turning for a few minutes, I started this text conversation (spaced over about 1/2 hour):

I can't fall asleep without you here.
Be home soon.
Yeah how soon?
Fifteen?
No you won't. Nevermind. Goodnight. Miss you.
Girl NNF is grabbin me a few nuggets from McDonalds. Once I eat I'm home. Love you.
I'll be asleep. Stay as long as you want. Goodnight.

And I did just that. I was asleep when Jay came home. However, he was not expecting me to be asleep; he was ready for me to start a fight. Therein lies the problem. We actually did have a late night / early morning fight because of this stupid miscommunication. He was expecting me to act like every other girl he's ever met, and include gentle subtext in the (in this case, written) text. He assumed that my telling him to stay as long as he wanted was a bitchy way of saying "don't you dare stay up there one minute longer. The minute I got up and left, you should have followed me whether you were tired and having fun or not. I wanted to go home and that means we both go home." That's a lot of subtext. But in reality I meant "I'll be asleep. Stay as long as you want." What do I care what he does, as long as I'm in my own comfy bed? Besides, he's only 2 floors up in our building. It's not like he was in another town.

So that's where our fight began. I was utterly confused as to why he thought I was mad at him (and why he would just stop the communication if that were the case). He just couldn't fathom that I actually said what I meant to say, with no hidden meaning. Obviously we got it worked out and it shouldn't happen again, but it was a stupid thing to happen in the first place. I blame other girls.

Girls* are ridiculously complicated when they don't need to be. What is the point of saying the opposite of what you really want to say? Or of implying that you're angry, but not bothering to enlighten your male cohort as to why? Especially in a medium such as text, where tones do not come across so easily. Logical Robot Brain says DOES NOT COMPUTE. I won't say I've never done this, but I don't so it as a general rule. In fact in the aforementioned textersation, I made a deliberate point not to use the word "whatever" lest it be misconstrued that way. I thought the little sweet notes like "I miss you" would reinforce the fact that I was not angry. I was just tired, dammit.

The moral of this story is: don't ever compare me to other girls. I've proven time and time again that I don't pull stupid crap like that. And other girls: shape up. Stop ruining it for the rest of us.



*I'm not a boy, nor have I ever been (or ever will), so I can't make any generalizations about the male specie.

damn girl brain

Why are girls so stupid? I just made up with one of my BFFs whom I was apparently fighting with. Problem is, because we are girls, we weren't actively fighting. Circumstances and miscommunications led us to stop talking. Therefore, we each just assumed that the other one was mad at us and figured we had lost a friend.

Why didn't we make an effort to rectify the situation? Why did it take so many months to realize that we are both idiots? Part of the reason is that we live 2000 miles apart, but there are such thing as email and phones.

Maybe it's because we are so close. But maybe it's because we are emotional girls so our brains are hard-wired in a stupid way. It even tricked my logical robot brain, because I figured since I had moved away then she had moved on and gone back to having friends that she could actually hang out with. Looking back, that wasn't logical at all. Looking back, I should have called or emailed her. I have all this unemployment time, WTF else am I gonna do except call my friends.

So,
to all the girls I've loved before. Sorry, I became a swooner for a minute. To all my friends that I've moved away from and haven't contacted in a while, I apologize. I'm not mad at you. If I was, I would tell you. I'm just really bad at initiating friendship-preserving. When you are too, it's a bad combo. So don't be surprised if we don't talk for 2 years and suddenly you're invited to my wedding.* I still love you.





* I don't actually have a wedding planned to invite you to right now, but when I do, you'll be the first to know.

the strange case of the asparagus in the nighttime

So on BFF's bday, which was Thursday. We I splurged a little at the Melting Pot, for yummy fondue dinner. For those MP virgins, here's the scoop: You get 3 courses plus a salad - a cheese fondue (yum!), a flavored broth fondue-marinade-cooking tastiness (yum), and a chocolate fondue (yum!). They give you lots of time between courses so that you may enjoy and digest without feeling rushed.

So, once we were sufficiently full of cheese and broth but not yet chocolate, we had some down time to get some good old fashioned hang time. We were having very happy animated conversation when apparently I picked up a spare asparagus spear (btw, have I mentioned lately that asparagus is my mortal enemy?) and began to stir the remaining broth with it. Then I put it back in the pile of other unused asparagus like nothing had happened. Unfortunately for me, both Jay and BFF stopped what they were doing and stared at me, mouths agape. I vaguely remember doing that, but it was clearly not a conscious decision. We all had a good laugh about how I could pick up something, stir something else with it, and put it back without realizing I was doing it. In fact, I still laugh at it. However, it does not bode well for my sanity.

I've always known I was a stirrer. I stir my drinks nonstop. I twirl forks in my food. And apparently my unconscious stirs flavored broth with asparagus.

how I spent my Tuesday, or what was in that trunk

I may have mentioned the other day that our trunk was exceptinally full when Deputy Dog stuck his big fat head in to sniff out our narcotics and thwart our drug running business. What was in there? Beads. Millions and millions of beads. Why? Because a crazy old lady sold them to me.

We went to FL to buy a car. Why FL and not MI where we live and cars are cheap? Because FL is where old people go to die, and then sell their cars for $300 to their neighbor's son. They also packrat all of their old craft supplies and decide to sell those as well, to their neighbor's son's girlfriend that makes jewelry.

So we went over to meet this old lady whose husband had died and thus caused her to sell the car since she wouldn't use it. Let's call her "Eleanor," which is her real name. She showed us her weird little trees that she used to make. They looked like this:

Not the kind of thing I would make, but I admit it took some skill. And supplies. And since Eleanor is the kind of old lady that I am on the fast track to becoming, she has every single pakage of craft supplies that she ever bought, even though 85% of them were unopened. Incidentally, this is why I'm not allowed to go into bead stores unless I have a specific project in mind. The kicker though, was that some of the supplies were in these large metal cases with lots of tiny drawers. I do need somewhere to store all my beads, because I'm an organizational freak and beads are tiny and plentiful.

Some haggling went on until we agreed on a (very cheap!) price for 4 metal cases and all the contents, as well as about 58 tupperware bowls filled with beads and taking up valuable cupboard space. As we were bagging up my new goods, Eleanor became wistful. "I like these ones, maybe I'll keep them. Oh these are nice, I'll make something with these." And so on until Jay's mom verbally slapped some sense into Eleanor, telling her that her arthritic hands weren't making anything else, and the beads were just gonna be thrown away when she moves into a nursing home. A little harsh, but true. The thing that really turned Eleanor around was when Jay gave her the cash. *snap* "Here, let me help you get these in bags!"

So we stowed the 4 cases and a giant duffle bag full of bead tupperwares safely in the car's trunk, to be out of mind for the remainder of the trip. Since our return, they have been sitting on the floor in the entryway, blocking the front door. Mmmm useful. I knew I had to do something with them, but they were so unorganized and so plentiful that I didn't even want to think about them. But then I remembered that a good way to get rid of supplies that I wouldn't normally use is to make cheap bulk jewelry to sell at bars for free drinks. Hmmmm if only there were some big drinking holiday coming up...

So I spent my Saturday making these:

and yes, I was able to trade them for free drinks (and cheese fries!) on St. Patty's Day. But that didn't solve the problem of the millions of remaining plastic beads in my living room. Conveniently, Jay needed a little nappy-poo today (what did I say about free drinks?) so I felt this weird motivation. I moved the coffee table and proceeded to empty out all the drawers of the fancy pants cases. Yeah, can you say daunting? I thought it was a daunting task before I started. Then it turned into this:

I'm not even done yet. But that's how I spent my day. (As always, click on the photos to make them bigger.)

ps - do you need some plastic jewelry? Any color you like, I make you something nice.

alligators and palm trees: a FL photoblog

So we're back, as I've mentioned. That should also be obvious from the fact that I've begun blogging again. Yay!

We were on our way to Florida to pick up a new ("new") car. Flying down on super cheap tickets, and taking a long drawn road trip back home. Fun times. But the problem with super cheap tickets on unknown airlines is that, maybe you don't get to sit with your flight companion. We were booked several rows apart, and even when we begged and pleaded, there was no way to let us sit together. "The flight was completely full." Boo. So we get on the plane, and Jay and I switch seats. This means I am stuffed in the very back corner of the plane, while Jay uses his magical people skills to try and get the guy next to him to switch seats with me. The guy totally wold have (he said) except that he was traveling with his wife and multiple small children (duh - we were flying in to Orlando, Capital of Family Destinations) and had had to do some cajoling of his own to be in the same row as them. Ok, I resigned myself to the back seat and Jay and I would just have to amuse ourselves long distance with our wonderful Nintendo DSs.

So my very back seat was a cave. It was the back back row, against a wall, so I couldn't recline even if I wanted to. And I did want to. I didn't even have a window. I was a very sad des. My disappointment must have been radiating wildly because as the cabin doors closed, the steward asked me if I wanted to move up to some seats that had been left empty. Apparently someone had missed their flight because there was a row of 2 empty seats that I could "stretch out" in (his words). Hell yes I wanted to move! And as I walked up past Jay's confused look, I told him to come sit with me. So we got to sit together after all.

All this after the flight had already been delayed over an hour due to bad weather in some other part of the country. So we were really excited to get on our way. But wait - there's a snowstorm because we are still in MI and that's what it does here is snow. The plane stood still as wonderful robots rolled up, and lo and behold, my first plane de-icing. Yes, my first. CA has no need for de-icing because there is no ice per se, and if the planes in NYC were icy, well then they just didn't go anywhere. So despite the delay, I was a little giddy. Maybe I broke the rules and snapped some photos. Cuz that's what I do.


There was more delay as we were de-iced, the runway was de-iced, and then we had to move runways as that one re-iced. But finally we got in the air. Here's proof:



I like them purdy clouds.

We landed in Orlando, and for the first time in my life I loved the humidity. Also, I loved that I was no longer wearing my winter coat. So we drive home. Where's home? Easy Street. That's right, Jay's parents are on Easy Street.


That's right.

And about a mile away from Easy Street is a place called Silver Springs, which is basically a park that showcases many of FL's natural wildlife all in one place. It was the best place ever. This is the entrance:



And because I'm in Florida, and they have alligators, I got to see them. This is my first alligator ever:


The great thing about alligators is that they stay so still. It makes for some wonderful photographs. Also, sometimes you think they might be fake. This one is fake:


Also because we were in FL, there was sunshine. This made me and the alligators happy.


Did I mention there were alligators?


Lots of alligators. And crocodiles, apparently. Evil evil crocodiles.


Did you know that river otters are total camera hogs?


But they're super cute so it's ok with me. The des abides.

Randomly, my first gecko! Oh and there are some iguanas, but I'm familiar with those.


Also randomly, there are giraffes there. We got to pet one.


Interesting side story, the crazy toothless lady selling the giraffe food saw me and exclaimed "Well aren't you dressed!" I think she meant dressed up, but she didn't say it. I was like, yeah... I am wearing clothes... good for me? And I want to point out that wearing a dress is different than being dressed up. My hat didn't even match my outfit, sheesh.

Moving on. They had these weird little diorama things in glass cases by the restrooms. The dioramas were populated by zombies. No wonder they were tucked away in the corner.


Yeah. Click on that to make it bigger. Warning, it's a little creepy.

So they also have pumas / mountain lions / cougars in this park. I'm a sucker for big cats, and the alligators were not very entertaining since they didn't really "move." We approach, and we hear roaring. Mountain lion roaring. It went on for so long that I have learned to imitoot it exactly, and can now be all ventriloquist mountain lion on people. It looked like this:


I named him Cranky Kitty, because it sounded like he had a thorn in his paw. When we went back later, he was still roaring, and some redneck douchebag was claiming that he was the one that "got 'im all riled up" even though the cat had been cranky all day. I had to feed that guy to the animals, so I let the alligators and mountain lions fight over him. I didn't stick around to see who won. Point is, that sucka is dead now.

There were also glass bottom boats in this park. Another first for me. Sure there were lots of god fish and turtles and pretty things, but I choose to post the following 2 pictures because they crack me up the most.

A sunken boat. From back in the day when the Spaniards went a'lookin for the Fountain of Youth.


I just find it really funny that I saw a boat through the bottom of another boat.

They film lots of movies in Silver Springs, because the water is so clear and beautiful. Apparently they aren't required to clean up after themselves, as shown here:


Those are statues from the James Bond movie Moonraker, which is now on my list of things that I need to see again so I can laugh at.

What's a nature park without a petting zoo? This mule was kind enough to pose for a photo before the flash scared him off and he ran away.


Speaking of petting, there was a cockatiel in a cage. There were lots of other birds, mostly parrots, and there were big signs that said "CAUTION WE BITE!" This was a total lie. The cockatiel just wanted to be pet.


He was so cute and so sweet, and we tried to take him home with us but the park kinda frowned on it. However, when we were actually leaving the park for the day, I said "bye, we love you" and the bird made almost-word sounds to acknowledge that he loved us too. I cried a little because it was the cutest thing ever.

So that's Florida. We did more and took more pictures, but nothing really worth 'splaining. BUT, if you want to see the rest of my photos from Silver Springs, check the flickr.

eating desorder

The problem with not having a job, besides the whole "no money" thing, is that I have all the time in the world to ... well, do nothing. For a few days it was good because Jay was home, so we did all sorts of fun things like go to the zoo and whatnot. But then he got sick, and while he was technically still home, he was in bed sleeping most of the day. So I've fallen back into my old habits.

Unfortunately my old habits are bad habits, as they involve food. Whereas when most people have days off, they eat and eat and eat, I do the opposite. I get so involved in my important work* that I forget to eat entirely. I start getting all shaky and weak and cranky. Then I lay on the couch, edging towards unconsciousness, thinking about how I should be eating. However, it is of no use because everything I can think of sounds yucky. At this point my logical robot brain is broken, so all logic is out the window. I would rather fade away into nothingness than eat something that didn't taste good. And it's things that I normally consider quite tasty, so there is absolutely no basis in Reality World for my thought processes.

Eventually I snap out of it. Sure, I end up eating something like candy or doritos which help my state only minimally. But it's enough to get me through until someone else comes around and I am no longer alone with my crazy, and my newfound best friend can make sure that I eat. So I live to starve another day.

(And no, I'm not anorexic, as I normally love to eat. But I need structure to my day so that I can do this. Logical robot brain. Sorry.)

Speaking of logical robot brains, here is my horoscope for today:
Attempts to use logic to overcome the desires of your heart probably won't be successful today. Even if you can usually convince yourself of nearly anything, your stream of clever words won't be heard by your irrational needs now. Emotions, not cool reason, are dictating your thoughts. Instead of redirecting your feelings, try listening to them.




*You may recall that my important work involves a strict regimen of game shows and Zelda.

that special day

Next Friday is Leap Day, that special day that comes only once every 4 years. According to my favorite place to get information, folklore says that since the year is a bit off due to that extra quarter of a turn the Earth makes around the sun every so often, girls are allowed to propose marriage to their men. It's crazy backwards time! We also wear our shoes on our heads. Sometimes both at the same time.

Since I am not planning any proposals in the next week (or am I? Jay does read this blog you know....) I choose to celebrate Leap Day in my own way. That rhymes, so you know it must be true. It's kinda like an extra day. To me, it is the same as when you have extra money. Sure, you could use it for practical things like going to work and paying bills, but I think it is your divine right to use it for something completely unpractical, and that often means something fun. Yay fun!

Now it's not like the day is completely free. Since it comes on a pretty regular basis (read: every 4 years) it doesn't count for nothing. It does count for only 1/4 of what it normally would though. I'm not sure what that means, but stick with me here. So you can make 4 mistakes and the universe sees it as only making one. Like if you're in to that sort of thing, you could drink 4x as many times as you normally would, then throw up 4 times. It's cool, it's like you only threw up once. Sadly, it works both ways, so if you help 4 old ladies across the street, you only get karma points for one.

I would like to point out that only a coupla days ago there was a lunar eclipse, which only happens on an average of every 3 years or so. It woulda been cool if the eclipse was on Leap Day, but that might have been too tempting for things to go up in fiery explosions due to the alignment of planets or something. Sorry, I've clearly taken some loopy pills today and they have influenced my writing and thoughts just a tad.

Speaking of the eclipse, of course I took pictures. However, Michigan remains as cold as a witch's kerpluffin, so my fingers fell off. Even with the image-stabilization in my fancy new camera, the 45-second long exposure was too much for my shaky cold fingerless hands, so the pictures are blurry like a monkey funker. But here they are anyway, because I still think they're cool because the moon is orange.










ps - I've just made my 100th post over at jewelry by des. I've made more than 100 jewelry pieces in my life, but not all of them were chronicled. So go look at them, and help me thin out my inventory a little... wink wink.

ruminations on cash cab

I've decided that I need to go on a game show, at least to tide me over until I gets me a real jobby job. I could totally rock a quiz show. I did take the online Jeopardy test a coupla weeks ago, but there were a lot of things I didn't know, so I'm not holding my breath for their call.

I think a better alternative is Cash Cab, on the Discovery Channel. Basically, regular people waiting for a taxi in NYC get picked up and surprised with the fact that they are then on a game show. You can win some cash (average probably about $1000 or so) and even if you don't win, you get a free cab ride. Unfortunately, I no longer live in NYC, so catching the cash cab is a far fetched dream.

That aside, I think the show starts out with a bias. If you're taking a cab in NYC, you probably don't need the prize money. I don't need to say that I rarely took cabs. Yes, I took them to and from the airport, but never just walking around town. What they should do is Cash Subway. Those are more likely the people that need the money, and it would have an added entertainment value with all the crazies.

This might be a good way for me to earn money, starting this game show. However, it might end up costing me money, which is why nobody has done it yet. So that would be bad.

mad skillz

I haven't had internet for days. Days! I'm going a little nuts. But I do have some stuff to tell.

For one, I got the Best Camera Ever. It meets all my requirements:
1.It's tiny, so I can carry it all around with me. This means less phone shots.
2.It has a macro setting AND a super macro setting. So so so so useful when a girl makes as much fine jewelry as I do and needs to see details.
3.In addition to the other 20 or settings, it has a setting specifically for fireworks. Have you seen my fireworks pictures?
4.It also has a self-portrait mode, for taking pictures like this:

5.It has a super big, clear LCD screen to view the awesome pictures it takes.
6.It takes awesome pictures.
7.It's blue. Blue is fun. In fact, the blueness is what drew Jason's eye to it, and he is what drew my attention.

The camera was purchased on Friday, which turned out to be among the Best Days Ever. There was this thing called a "snowstorm" so Jason couldn't make the hour and a half drive to work. Damn shame, that. So we had a nice relaxing morning with a yummy breakfast, then set out for adventures. We ended up at Dave and Buster's, which it turns out is the Best Place Ever. It's a bar / restaurant AND a giant arcade. They have regular video games and the kind that gives out tickets. We played for a while on the machines that have coins in a big pile, and as you add coins, a shelf pushes them, and when any fall over the edge you get tickets. That was fun for a while, and then we saw the Jumprope Machine.

The Jumprope Machine is basically a big lighted disc with a mat in front of it. Colored lights give the appearance of spinning around like a jump rope. When it gets to the bottom, you jump over it and the mat senses whether or not you virtually trip over the rope and fall flat on your face. Now a little background on me. When I was a kid, I was jumping rope at every recess. My elementary school had a jump roping team. I was on it. There was a jump-a-thon for heart disease. I did that and kicked heart disease's ass. I won a special award for jumping even with a sprained ankle. I knew all the tricks, like double- and triple-unders. Double dutch? I was a pro. You give me a rope and I could jump over it.

So of course I wanted to show off my mad skillz (and make sure I still had them). The first round, I jumped my darndest and won some tickets. I think I inadvertently cheated because the ticket-giver was jammed, which means I'm pretty positive that I got some tickets that the people before me should have gotten but were too impatient to call over the maintenance guy. But whatevs.

I went back for more, after a break. This time, I won. I jumped and jumped and didn't make any virtual mistakes. Then all the machine's lights went off. Then they all came back on, flashing and making noise and generally causing a ruckus. I heard someone behind me yell Winner! and applause, and I turned around. Suddenly there appeared behind me about 15-20 people that were definitely not there when I started. I raised my arms in triumph, and turned back to the machine to hide the fact that I was laughing in astonishment at the magical crowd. It took a few minutes for my hundreds of tickets to pour out of the machine, but not as long as some lady that had "played" another game* and was receiving tickets for seriously 45 minutes straight.

We checked out the options for our bucketful of tickets and weren't incredibly thrilled with anything, so we decided to save them for another day. We had originally planned to go see the Djangofest in Downtown Detroit, but apparently had spent several more hours playing videogames than either of us had realized, so we ended up missing the start of the show. Our fallback plan is always karaoke, so we headed there. I think I had spent all my little energy jumping like a madwoman (besides the fact that I had only eaten nachos, so there wasn't much energy to expend in the first place) so I wasn't really feelin the karaoke. That didn't stop me of course, but my Stray Cat Strut and Crazy Little Thing Called Love weren't my best works. However, Jay repeated his performance of Big Balls, and finally got the reception he deserved. I've said it before, that boy can put on a show.

In between songs, we made a few new friends. One was Alison, wearing a tank top and baseball cap and doing "fagulous!" She, like everyone, said that Jay and I are absolutely gorgeous, so that won her over in our favor. Then she realized that we are cool people in addition to being really really ridiculously good looking and bought us a round of drinks and a pitcher of beer. The drinks went drunk (maybe a mistake on my part) but the pitcher stayed put.

On our other side was Lonely Jennifer. I officially gave her that name, but she practically gave it to herself by the way she was acting. She confessed that she never goes out, and was drawn to Jay and I because we are so "young and good looking." She was a nonstop talker, and even called us out on it when we were discussing this point amongst ourselves. At one point she made me feel her hair. (Creepy!) We were about to ditch her when our old friend from New Year's, Magic Dave, appeared. He showed us a new magic trick and we thanked him by giving him our untouched pitcher of beer and introducing him to Jennifer. Then we left the bar, speculating on what would happen between Lonely Jennifer and Magic Dave.





* I say "played" because neither Jason nor I nor anybody else ever saw her actually playing. She was just standing there while tickets flew out. We wondered if maybe the same thing happened to her that happened to me at first, where she got other people's tickets in addition to hers. But it went on for so long we figured she must be just that good.

des goes existential

I had a dream last night. This is not unusual, as I have dreams every night, and they are always vivid (yes, in color) and I generally remember the details. Incidentally, I do try to incorporate my dream stories into my (nonexistant) writing career. However, it turns out that dream-stories do not make any "sense" logically in Reality World.

But last night I had a dream that was not a story. It was a series of pictures. Began with a white field, and not the kind with flowers. Just white nothing. There was also a black outline of a semicircle on the bottom. And there was another on the side of the frame. They would slowly move into each other, one enveloping the other. I tried to draw it using fancy MS-paint, but it didn't add anything to my story, so just use your imagination there.

There was no meaning as far as I could discern. So, I did a little online research (what else am I supposed to do with my day?) and found this:

To dream of a circle, denotes that your affairs will deceive you in their proportions of gain. For a young woman to dream of a circle, warns her of indiscreet involvement to the exclusion of marriage.

That's the only thing related I could find. Apparently my dream is not common enough to interpret easily.

But um, what? Can someone please interpret my interpretation please?


ps - here's today's horoscope:
You may be getting nowhere fast, but for now you are fine with your current lack of progress. But be careful, for your rationalization skills are at a peak. You can talk yourself into or out of nearly anything. Additionally, you should be able to persuade others to go along with your ideas, even if they are not thought out very well. Taking your time to consider a variety of options is better than doing the first thing that sounds good.

Yeah, still confused.

5 golden rings

Ok, 2 golden rings.
Actually one golden ring and one silver ring. But the golden one is white gold, so it too looks silver.

Anyway, have you heard about Mystic Topaz? It's regular topaz covered in a titanium alloy to make it all rainbowy. It looks like this:


Notice the pretty mix of deep purples and greens. And the 6 CZ hearts surrounding the topaz. (Yes, I know you can only see 5, but I swear the other one really is there.) Also notice that I tried (and semi-failed) to find a nail polish that matched the topaz. And that's it's chipped, because how else would you know that it was my finger that ring was on?

That was one of my xmas presents from my Jason. He's won over my heart and bought me shiny sparkly rainbows to prove it.

And no, there wasn't a "question that went with it" as a coworker asked me. But I do wear it on that finger, because the Romans believed the left ringfinger has a vein that goes straight to the heart. (Didn't you ever wonder where that tradition came from?) My sister didn't like me stealing her engagement thunder, so I did have to temporarily switch fingers, but as soon as I left her company it went back to where it belongs.

Also for xmas, I got this:


Isn't it groovy with its super-seventies lettering and tiny diamond-heart-O? This was a ring my dad gave my mom before they were engaged. When I took it back home to Dad's house, I showed him and asked him if he remembered it. He got a little smile, and said of course he remembers it. My sister and I gave him some friendly chiding about the utter era-fullness of it, asking if there were others that said "peace" or "groovy." He slapped his hands down on the chair and proclaimed that "it was groovy!" which made me and my sis and my stepmom all laugh uproariously.

Not that I don't wear the ring everyday, grooviness and all. Of course, the picture is a trick because I am not so skilled that I could leave the ring on it's rightful finger, the right finger, and manipulate a macro-setting camera with my slightly retarded left hand.

So there were my 2 favorite xmas presents. 2 symbols of love that maybe I will pass on to my own kids someday because of their similar stories. (Of course, my Jason didn't ruin the moment like my dad did by saying "IT'S NOT AN ENGAGEMENT RING!")



********************* shameless plug ************************
Speaking of jewelry, shouldn't you be buying some?
Go to my etsy store and pick out something you like.

If you don't want to go through etsy, where you have to sign up (even though it's free), send me an email telling me which piece you want to buy.

If you don't see something particular you like, tell me what you want and I will make it for you. I'm good like that.
You can get ideas from my regular site.

I need some money, yo. I'm trying to earn it!