Sunday, June 29, 2008

Thank you eh*rmony! (post #1000!)

Yesterday Jay & I went to eat tasty tasty Mexican food. We were having fun already, but we got to observe a couple sitting a few tables away. From a variety of components we easily discerned that this was a first date. Their table was angled so that the guy was facing us and the woman faced away.

The first thing we noticed was the man's stance in his chair: leaning intently towards the woman, with one fist under his chin, the other arm looking like the brace for arm wrestling. His legs were in a state of readiness: if terrorists attacked Azteca in Madison Heights, he could spring into action at any time.

This body language denoted not only his military background (which would become even more clear in the course of conversation), but also that he was the dominant player in the conversation. This would also become more evident as time progressed, especially as he used phrases like "that's when I made the decision...". He was ripe for amateur psycho-analysis, which I am awesome at.

What's a good topic for conversation on a first date? Religion, of course. When we started paying attention to the couple, we heard this lovely snippet:

I once knew a guy from San Antonio, Texas who jumped onto a hand grenade to save 6 of his buddies. He made sure that he had "atheist" stamped on his dog tags. So even though he didn't think there was a Heaven, he was willing to die to save people's lives.

This of course led to more stories relating to war, another excellent 1st date topic. In his mind, it was a perfect time to bring up this hilarious anecdote:

...They have scars and cuts and stuff from when they fell down the hill, but they were holding their rifles, so it was kinda funny.

I for one find it uproariously funny when people holding guns fall down hills.

You know that the natural progression from stories involving guns is to talk about hunting. Yet another award-winning conversation starter on a 1st date. From this, we learned that the guy really likes eating duck, but isn't so fond of the 9 months it takes to prepare it. Luckily, though, "you can make chili out of anything." Even deer, apparently. Sorry, we were too busy laughing to catch all the details of that one.

Around this point, I noticed that the guy had a giant strawberry daiquiri, which was full when we walked in. Even though he was spending all this time talking (I don't think his date had gotten one word in), he had somehow found the time to guzzle his drink. We surmised from this, that he must have been an army ventriloquist. While we were wiping the tears of laughter out of our eyes, the waiter approached them to take their order. Wait a minute, they haven't ordered yet? They were here before us and we have our food already. No wonder the woman hadn't said anything - she was busy studying the menu. But we did get to hear her finally speak. It was totally worth the wait.

You guys aint got no more tomaters?

This gave the man more time to brag about himself. Did you know that he speaks Farso? That's right, not the Persian language Farsi, but Farso, which is apparently a very tricky language (since it doesn't exist). And that he spent 30 days - no wait, I mean 90 days - traveling in Europe? (That was his correction, not mine.) He even had a Native American friend that taught him to live off the land. One time, he met the Chief of Police of South Africa! Impressive, no? And his stories flowed together so seamlessly! It's a shame he "had to get back into shape and get his gun fixed after he got out of the army."

Finally the time came when it was time to talk about her. So he asked her: "I thought you got laid off?"

We were laughing so hard at this fiasco / date that we missed the woman's response. However, our attention was drawn once again when the waiter came over to their table and they asked to move "because the sun was in their eyes." Since I had been openly staring (Jay was a bit more discreet about observing our newfound blog fodder) and we were probably not as quiet as we could have been while repeating their phrases and mocking them, we knew that they were actually moving away from us. Yes, this made us laugh even harder. Oh sorry, were we ruining your date? Are you sure it wasn't you who was doing the ruining?

By this time, we were done with our meal and could hear naught but muffled bragging, so we decided to pack it up. I had been writing furiously in my handy dandy notebook so I didn't forget any of the excellent quotes and my hand was tired anyway. Plus, Jay had had a small "salsa mishap" so it was time to go.

But thank you, eh*rmony! Even if they didn't find true love, we found a whole afternoon of merriment. Hopefully some of that mirth can be now passed on to you, gentle readers.


arlenestarr said...

Happy 1000 des!

You just made my day.

super des said...

Now, did I make your day because of the post number or the post content?

arlenestarr said...


SUEB0B said...

Congratulations on post 1000!

Hasn't your mother ever taught you not to listen in to other people's conversations in a manner that they know you are doing it? Be discreet and you get more of the really juicy stuff.

super des said...

Normally I'm quite good, but this was so outrageous that neither of us could be discreet.

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