on ducks and cows *repost*

** This is a post I originally wrote on 5/10/06. I asked a friend a very important question ("what's your opinion on cows?") and was reminded that I once wrote a treatise on that very subject. So because most of you haven't read it, here it is.**


There is nothing funnier than a cow or a duck. Many people have stumbled upon this fact, including Weird Al, Richard Condie, and perhaps most famously, Gary Larson. And now me.

This line of thought was spurred by hearing "I Want a New Duck" by Weird Al. I don't believe I had ever heard this song before today. I rank it among WA's best. Here are the lyrics:

I want a new duck
One that won't try to bite
One that won't chew a hole in my socks
One that won't quack all night
I want a new duck
One with big webbed feet
One that knows how to wash my car
And keep his room real neat
One that won't raid the ice box
One that'll stay in shape
One that's never gonna try to migrate or escape
Or I'll tie him up with duck tape
I want a new duck
A mallard I think
One that won't make a mess of my house
Or build a nest in the bathroom sink
I want a new duck
One that won't steal my beer
One that won't stick his bill in my mail
One that knows the duck stops here
One that won't drive me crazy waddling all around
One who'll teach me how to swim and help me not to drown
And show me how to get down
How to get down baby
Get it?*************
*********** ***
I want a new duck
Not a swan or a goose
Just a drake I can dress real cute
Think I'm gonna name him Bruce
I want a new duck
Not a quail or an owl
One that won't molt to much
One that won't smell too fowl
One that won't beg for breadcrumbs
Hangin' around all day
He'd better mind his manners
Better do just what I say
Or he's gonna be duck patte, duck patte, yah, yah
*********** (*** ** **)***********[lots of quacking sounds]

It is of course based on Huey Lewis's "I Want a New Drug," which I have heard twice so far this morning. The radio station was kind enough to play it directly following the WA version, but they did not go so far as to play the Ghostbusters Theme. This song was also inspired by Huey, but there was some sort of lawsuit to prove it.

(As a side note, I would also like to point out that Huey is also the name of a cartoon duck - though it is not as funny.)

There is a Richard Condie cartoon (La Salla) that features, among other intensly bizarre Canadian things, a man shooting toy cows out of a cannon. This cartoon is hilarious and strange for many reasons, but foremost because of the cows.

From IMDB: A tale of a man who has everything he needs in his one little room, and the disasters that befall him when he succumbs to the temptation of the world outside his door. An Italian opera, with subtitles and some cows and fish.

If that explanation doesn't make you want to see the film, I don't know what will.

If you've ever read The Far Side by Gary Larson, and I assume that you have, then you know that cows and ducks are both featured prominently throughout the cartoon. My favorite, which I can't find on the internet, is a picture of a large audience. Everyone has a duck on his or her lap except for one guy in the middle, who is looking shocked and a little panicked. The caption reads "Suddenly Bob realizes he has come to the seminar without his duck." This makes me cry every time I read it. I won't go into the details of why this is funny, but the key word is duck.

Cows and ducks are both pretty funny in real life, but like everything, they are funnier as cartoon parodies. Even the words are funny. In fact, I myself have often been heard to use the word "cow" when asked to give a random word. (You don't want to know how many of the Mad-Libs I do turn out to be cow related.) Many a great joke begins with "A man and his duck walk into a bar..." This is probably only an English thing (or a des thing) because the words are not that funny in other languages. Observe:

Spanish - pato y vaca
French - le canard et intimide
German - Ducken Sie und Kuh
Italian - abbassare e la mucca

A lot of other languages have different alphabets, and the characters don't copy onto blogger. But you get the idea. Also, German is a little funny, but that's because English and German are related. I will have to expand this theory of funny English words also being funny in German. Not now, though. Now is the time for ducks and cows.