Wednesday, November 07, 2007

2 warnings of things not to buy

1) If you see a chocolate pastry shaped like a mouse sitting on some weird disc, don't buy it.
It might be cute and so you think well of course it's yummy! but you'll be wrong. You'll ponder it for a moment before deciding that the best course of action is to eat the whole mouse at once so that there are no mouse remains on the disc. This will occupy your entire mouth so that chocolate oozes out between your teeth and lips, and then you will laugh, and then you will choke.
After that is all squared away, you will eat the rest of the pastry, i.e. the disc. You will take more sensible bites and think you are really enjoying yourself. But in a few minutes you will be so full of the weird chocolate mousse-mouse that you will feel a little sick, and you will never want to see another mouse again.

2) If you see a children's book that has buttons for "music" and a big sticker on the cover of the book that says free replacement batteries for life!!! don't buy it. Maybe it's a good holiday gift for your little niece. Maybe your own son loved it so much that he picked it up and carried it around with him the whole time you were in the store. You didn't notice, but the booksellers all shot you with daggers from their eyes.
But anyway, You will hear the same 4 notes over and over and over for 30 seconds at a time, but each second will feel like an eternity. The proud new book owner will press the button again and again and again until all you can think of is the horrible 4 noted song and you slowly start to tear your own hair out. Then relief will come: the batteries will die. No! You have free replacement batteries for life, and I'm pretty sure there is a tracking device lodged in each book so that the exact second the four notes slow down even a little, new batteries will be shipped to your home and installed by professional Noisy Book Technicians and you will never get a moment's rest from the incessant four notes until you take your own life out of desperation.


jessabean said...


Remember the singing bass that sang "Take Me to the River" and was triggered by a motion sensor? The book you describe reminds me of that. As in, makes me want to stick a fork in my eye.

super des said...

I worked in a drug store when that came out, and it was next to the registers, and I'm surprised I made it through without killing anyone.

Suzanne said...

Actually, the noisy book and chocolate mousse-mouse are the perfect gifts to give to the child of your arch nemesis. I am so excited that you suggested them. And if, God forbid, Fred Thompson is somehow elected as president, we all send noisy books and mousse-mouses to his toddler until Thompson resigns.

Suzanne said...

Can I also add how much I love saying mousse-mouse? It is filling me with delight.

Jbeeky said...

Or hope someone comes and takes you out of your misery! When I get a noisy toy from another mother as a gift I immediately think payback. NOISIER TOY. Like a drum set. Yeah, that's right. Bring that damn toy.

super des said...

Suz, I know right? It's my new fave word combo.

jbeeky - the best revenge is the toy that *needs* no batteries to be noisy!

Count Mockula said...

Man, that brought back some bookstore memories. I swear we almost all killed each other once at Xmas when a huge shipment of those books came in.

super des said...

Whomever invented them should be shot.

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