life comparisons are never good

Recently I’ve met a lot of new people. People that are better than me, in that they are people my age that have their lives together. They have college degrees and are using them to make a living. What they are making a living doing is something stable and they may be doing it for the rest of their lives. I’ve met doctors, lawyers, financial consultants, prostitutes, journalists. (And yes, prostitutes go to college. I think Hooker College is in Nevada somewhere.) Most of these people are married. Some have children. Some own their own home, and their homes are very nice. They have furniture that didn’t come from Ikea, and matches other pieces and the rest of the house. These people have achieved so much in around 30 years.

I have a degree, but I don’t use it. I’m not married, even though I’ve lived with my boyfriend for several years. I have an idea of how I want to make money during the rest of my life, but it is still several years away. My furniture is considered temporary; it will be disassembled and left for the ashman when I move out of my tiny rented apartment. I have no children, and can not quite think of a way to fit in the act of “having a child” with all my other plans that are supposedly in the works.

So I say these people are better than me. I can’t help but compare myself to them, and coming out (in my mind) below. The apartment situation is never going to change; when I do eventually buy my own home, I might start out with a matching set of furniture, dishes, bedsheets. But I will find more things that I like and bring them home, even if they match nothing else I own. My living space will always be cluttered, no matter how many square feet I have to fill.

Someday I will be married, I think. Maybe when the boyfriend and I are both out of school and established. Establishing ourselves is the tricky part. I have my big plans - work at my crap office job for 8 more months, return to school, and emerge a full-fledged Doctor of Philosophy. But then I still have to go through the tedium of finding a school that will pay me to share my knowledge. This is 5-10 years away. And didn’t I mention kids? When during my schooling / job hunt can I be a stay at home mom? There are no quick fixes. I have no time to write or act, which might take even more time than the PhD to become successful enough to sustain myself.

Yet I am meeting these people that have done it. To me, they are successful people. I envy them, yet I also hate them a little bit. Because they are acquaintances, I see only the surface. They could hate their career as much as I hate my temporary job. They could have problems with their marriage and their children. They could be in debt for the rest of their lives from purchasing their beautiful home and possessions. But I don’t see this. I see only the part that they choose to show to the world, which is more than I can do.

And this is why I’m not allowed to meet new people.



Ps – I realize this sounds kind of like a pity party, but isn’t. Not really. Point is, I am not looking for praise and reassurance. I was just being an introspective retrospector.