You're here, you're queer, it's news to me.

Apparently Lance Bass is gay. You may know him from a little group called "n*sync" which drove throngs of screaming girls and their gay counterparts wild. Because n*sync is a boy band, it was actually marketed more towards gay men than pre-teen girls. Why? Gay men have more money and make up a larger, longer-lasting portion of the population than pre-teen girls.

So the inevitable joke is: You didn't know the guy from n*sync was gay? Look at the way he dances and dresses! (Applicable to all members of all boy bands ever.)

And the truth is - no. No I didn't. I don't know when people are gay unless they hold my head in between their hands Alex Trebec-style (for those of you that don't know that story, I'll tell it later) and say "des, I'm gay!" and maybe sing a song like in Brain Candy (left).

Then I'll respond with an astonished "oh yeah? I didn't know that!"

Not that it matters. You know, some of my best friends are gay*. Men AND women. And I have no clue. "Don't ask, don't tell" doesn't work on me. I don't think to ask, and I can't tell. When it's finally revealed to me, I have the same reaction I would if someone confessed to me that they were a Methodist. Or a vampire. Or from France. "Oh yeah? I didn't know that!"

(* Call the cliche' police!)

In case you are wondering, no one has ever come out to me. By the time I learn of someone's sexuality, it's already old news. The last horse finally crosses the finish line, with a little help from the other horses and the crowd and a wheelbarrow. I'm just not that observant. One of my friends even sports a large "DIKE" pin so that the world knows she's into chicks. I appreciate this not because I think gay people should label themselves like a leper ringing a bell, but because it leads to less of my saying "oh yeah? I didn't know that!"

Sometimes I try to guess. I swear that guy's gay. But no, no. He's married. To a woman. And has children and is not at all attracted to men. I've never been right in these assumptions. They're not even assumptions, because I don't take it for granted that the people I'm specualting on are gay. It never even crosses my mind to wonder unless someone else brings it up. I'd like to attribute this to the fact that I am such a good-hearted person that I don't judge my friends and aquaintances by who they love. But, no. Alas and alack, it is because I'm not the brightest crayon in the box sometimes. I can do a near-perfect imitation of a dumb blonde, staring vacantly into the air. Huh?

So that's my confession, spurred on by news of a celebrity I don't even care about. (In fact, I learned this little nugget from reading someone else's blog. That's how up on celeb news I am.) If you're gay, great. Don't tell me unless you want to hear this:

"oh yeah? I didn't know that!"


p.s.