would?

I discovered what my worst fear is. It's not spiders jumping on my face, or earthquakes, or even cockroaches (though I still don't like them). It's the fear of losing the love of someone I care for.

What if after almost 10 years, my boyfriend decided we had grown apart? What if my best friends decided I lived too far away to share feelings and stay in contact? What if my family slowly disassociated with me until I was forgotten?

This fear is followed closely by the actual physical loss of the aforementioned people. Death. I don' t like thinking about what would happen if Craig, my friends, my family, or even my cat was suddenly taken out of my life. I think it's a little worse though if they consciously stop loving me; to know that they are out there somewhere, not thinking about me at all, or thinking malicious thoughts of me. My heart is torn in half and my eyes tear up.

This, as all my serious issues, was brought on by a dream. I'm not claiming to be psychic or anything. Weird stuff would be going down in the world if I was. But my dreams are exceptionally vivid, and even though I know they are dreams, I am incredibly upset when I wake up. I dream several times every night, always remembering what occurred in my subconscious.

I don't know what I would do if my dream fears materialized into reality. Especially if Craig and I went our separate ways. He's been a major part of my life for so long, I would have to start completely over. He's the reason I even live in NY, so I would have to call my dad to fly me and the cat home to CA. I would probably stay with my dad for a while, but how long can you live with your parents in your small hometown? I would call up a few friends to mooch off of while I started my life over. New job, new home, new plan.

Besides the fact that I am incredibly lazy and in serious debt, this turning point in my life would induce severe emotional trauma. I would need a good therapist to help me through this life change. I would take up drinking as more than a social event. I wouldn't turn to drugs, because I have a strong physical aversion to needles, snorting things up my nose, or smoking, but I might get hooked on pills. I'm sure Xanax would help me sleep my pain away. I would prefer living in a perpetual dream than to real life where I had to face the emptiness.

So much so that the people that still loved me would have to intervene and get me help. More therapy. Less drugs. Busy work to occupy my mind. Through mutual friends, the person that hurt me would find out about the downward spiral my life had taken because of his actions. If he had any feelings left for me at all, he would be ashamed, hurt, embarrassed. If he felt nothing he would be a heartless bastard that karma would punish.

Now before you start sending hate mail to my boyfriend / roommate / partner in crime, please remember that none of this has happened. I am also assured that none of it will. But I am fragile. A delicate flower. A waft of sweet perfume on a cool breeze, so easily flitted away. It just takes that one first step to set me on a path of self destruction. It's not just Craig; I could write a story about what would happen if any number of people suddenly decided I wasn't worth their thoughts. However, this is a depressing subject, and as I mentioned already, I don't like thinking about it. Craig, however, was the subject of my dream that was the starting point of this train of thought without a destination.

So know that I will never do this to anyone I care about, and I hope they will return the favor.