rampant lesbianism

This is in response to something that happened to a friend of mine; she is a lesbian, but was accused of not being one. Not only does this not make sense, but it sounds like one of those stupid things someone says when they are really mad.

I, as a straight girl, have been accused of not being straight. Here's why:

Some very clever kids in 7th grade discovered that "des" rhymes with "lez." It rhymes, so it must be true. You know those guys that say "you want fries with that?" Yeah, that's them - my junior high buddies.

I have short hair. No woman that is trying to land a husband (or a one-night stand) has short hair.

Further, I don't sleep with guys that I meet in bars. Of course, by "meet" I mean that they try to talk to me and sex me up while I try to stab them with a shard of broken glass. Obviously, if I don't want them, I must not want any guy. And they say it like it's an insult, but in my mind there are plenty of women I would rather sleep with than this trucker-looking dude that smells like rotten clams and addresses me as "baby sweet lips."

In some cases, I have volunteered my lesbianism to make the guys mentioned above disappear. My favorite instance was in high school. I was in the mall with my friend, and these guys kept following us around, getting in our faces, "asking" for our numbers. I got sick of it, so I said "sorry, I'm a lesbian" and surprised everyone by planting a big wet one on my friend's lips. With a cleverly hidden thumb, I made it look like I was totally making out with her. She was so shocked she didn't even react. When I looked up from our impromptu session, all the guys had completely disappeared, never to be seen again. They didn't even stay to watch. My friend couldn't stop laughing and saying "oh my god, I can't believe you did that!" If I may toot my horn, I think she was a changed woman after that.

So, I am clearly a sinner while my aforementioned friend is not. However, the person who said that to my friend is completely different than the people that have accused me. I don't know the details, but I do know that the only solution is to throw things in their general direction. That's my answer to everything, and it seems to work pretty well.

I'm not a lesbian, huh? Well take that! *throw*

Friend, I think you should start doing that anyway; all the time and to everyone.