enough about tattoos already!

Ok, this will be the last post about tattoos. Not forever, just for now. I mean, how much can I really say about them? The answer is: lots. But I will contain myself.

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There are several stages of getting a tattoo.

1. Deciding. A very important stage. After all, if you don't decide what you want, how can you get anything? I like to think about my tattoos for a long time before I actually get them. This way I can be sure that in a year, or 10 years, or 50 years, I don't regret them. Also, I don't want to have to explain to my grandkids why there is a naked lady riding a rooster up my thigh. I didn't take very long thinking about the penguin, but if I ever decide that I hate penguins, I've got more problems on my plate than a tattoo regret. At Acme Tattoo in Fresno, I saw the artists turn people away because they were wishy-washy about what kind of artwork thay wanted on their body for the rest of their life. That's good business.

2. Cat scratching. When you are actually getting the tattoo, this is the painful part. As I mentioned before, it feels like a cat is scratching you over and over in the same place, etching in the shape of a bat. As soon as the needle stops, the pain stops .Unless you have a very angry cat at home. But I highly recommend that you keep your new tattoos away from angry cats, because to me that spells I-N-F-E-C-T-I-O-N and H-O-S-P-I-T-A-L. Those are not only hard words to spell, they are unpleasant experiences.

3. Bleeding. The natural progression from cat scratching is to lose a little blood. This starts during the inking process. You will notice your tattoo artist continually stopping to wipe off his or her work - that's not just the excess ink they are wiping. This stage continues for a little while even after stage 2 stops, and is the primary reason for stage 4.

4. Bandaging. You don't want to get blood all over the place, including your clothes, the floor, and other people, do you? Well even if you do, that's gross. And extremely unhygenic. So let the artist put bandages on. Most of the time they will be big pieces of gauze, held on my some sort of masking tape. My wrist was wrapped in saran wrap for some reason. This was gross because I could see the blood and excess ink mixing and getting smeared. So could everyone else. But there was no mistaking me for a potential suicide victim, unless I did some really intricate razor cutting. Which I didn't.
The bandages have to stay on for 4-12 hours. If you get your tattoo later in the day, I recommend keeping them on while you sleep. This is especially relevant if your new tattoo is somewhere like your hip that you will hurt while sleeping.

5. Washing. After removing the bandages, you are going to want to get that sucker clean. Get rid of all the dried blood and ink and cotton fibers. Use a soap like Dial or something. Nothing scented or fancy. Antibacterial = yes. It will sting, but you can take it. Like mom used to say, the stinging means it's working. I don't think you should put peroxide or iodine on it. That seems very painful and unnecessary, especially when considering that liquid soap can be applied with a soft warm washcloth. For the first couple of days, wash your new tattoo a few times a day. This will definitely ensure against those things I spelled earlier.

6. Ointmenting. Vitamin A & D ointment to be exact. You can find this in the diaper rash section of the local drug store. A tattoo is kind of like a diaper rash, although hopefully you didn't get it from being soaked in your own urine or feces. The ointment smells and is greasy, but it provides an essential layer of protection and helps your poor skin recover faster. Makeup wedges are great for applying it; they are clean, hygenic, and wedge-shaped. Also, you don't have to get ointment on your hands, and you can throw the wedges away when you are done. Apply ointment like 3 times a day for a few days, until you reach stage 7. I do it upon waking, when I get home from work, and before going to sleep. If I had more accessible tattoos, I might put it on while at work sometimes too. Protection = good. You're not in the clear yet; still trying to avoid those bad things.

7. Peeling / Itching. Probably the least fun stage of all. It is exactly like having a sunburn, except that it hurts less and the skin that peels off is brightly colored. So it's sorta similar to a sunburn. The point is, your skin is slowly falling off. But DO NOT scratch it! That is gross and can lead to infection. (Have you ever looked under your nails? Blech.) Also, if you scratch hard enough, your tattoo might not be so pretty after all. A guy at my work rubbed his tattoo off with sandpaper. Idiot. I'm sure that's really painful, and there is a much better solution: lotion. Good lotion. Not scented, not aloe, nothing fancy. You might have to spend a little more to ensure you are getting the right thing, but it is worth it. "They" (the PIC*) say that just because it's good for your skin doesn't mean it's good for your tattoo. Ask your tattoo artist for a recommendation, then follow it. Lotion will have to be applied probably every couple hours just to keep the itching from driving you insane. If your tattoos are on your back, either learn to be really flexible, get friendly with your coworkers, or learn to live with the itchiness. I'm opting for the first one.

8. Relaxing. Once your tattoo stops bleeding, hurting, peeling, and itching, you are ready for the last & final stage, stage 8. Now is when you can take pictures to show your far-away friends. Continually look at your new tattoo for a few days, then ignore it for the rest of your life. Congratulations. You are now ready for stage 1 again, because no doubt you would like another tattoo after going through all that.

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I am currently in stage 7. Little black pieces of bat & penguin come off in the shower. I make like a bear and rub my back on trees to relieve the itching. I carry lotion with me everywhere and am always plotting out who I can trust to touch my back. Soon it will all be over. And, for now at least, I am set for tattoos. Talk to me again in a couple months.
(Pictures to follow as soon I as I enter stage 8.)


*PIC = People In Charge