Friday, February 13, 2009

des is dealing

So you might remember about a month ago, I had to go home for my dad's memorial. I did very well during the actual ceremony (which was a potluck / party at my parents' house) - only crying a coupla times. Most of that is because I was the last one to speak, so I had to hear everyone else's touching stories before sharing my own. I also teared up at the end of my own speech, but was saved by my dad's BFF who encouraged me to keep going by sharing the joke that I was talking about in my story.

Since then, I've been dealing. The day I came back to work, some lady was complaining about her husband being in the hospital with heart problems. I felt for her, but I also wanted to stab her in the eye.

I can think about the fact that "my dad is dead" on purpose all day long (but I don't).
But sometimes thoughts sneak up on me. Last night we were going to go pick up some food and come straight home. I considered leaving my phone at home because we were going to be gone all of 5-10 minutes, and that led to an imaginary conversation with my dad. It's the kind of conversation we would normally have if he called while I was gone. I'd come home and see that he called, and call him back.

Where were you?
Oh we ran to get some dinner.
What are you having?
What kind of sandwiches?
I got a veggie one, and Jay got one with like salami and pepperoni and a bunch of other meat.
Then Dad would laugh, and say "well, I was just calling to say hi..."

When Jay came back inside from walking the dog, I was in tears. I explained why, and he hugged me. I know this is going to happen; I'm never going to get "over" it, but I don't like when I can't control it.


LittlePea said...

You take as long as you need. Of course you're never going to "get" over it as it should be. Emotions will never be under our "control" but hopefully there will come a day when the pain is not so overwhelming that it smacks you in the heart unawares.
(giving you a pinky clutch)

super des said...

Thanks Pea. :) *hug*

SUEB0B said...

I'm sorry, Des. There is pretty much no advice or anything anyone can give comes and goes like the tides and waves.

After almost 2 years, I am pretty much ok (other than being kind of pissed that I have to spend the rest of my life w/o my sister and best friend) but the other day I was in the drug store and there was a cute young pregnant girl named Laura working the cash register. No big, right?

Except my sis was young and pregnant and worked at a drug store and her name was Laura...this sent me over the edge into almost-crying as I paid for my toothpaste and hand lotion. Oy. I feel for you.

super des said...

I knew you would understand, Suebob.

mar said...

it has been such a short time for you. let it come when it comes & don't let anyone ever tell you that enough time has passed. it doesn't matter if it's 10 days or 10 years.
it's really close to two years since my grandmother passed away (april) & it still chokes me up at the random moment.

super des said...

Yeah, I'm sure this will happen for a long time. This is just the first time I've had to deal with anything like this.

Count Mockula said...

Aw, hell, I was just getting teary over my grandpa, and it's been ten years. You take all the time you need, honey.

super des said...

Thanks Mockula. :)

flutter said...

it's still fresh, babe. Be kind to you

mdog said...


might I add...? said...

I just got (kind of) caught up with you today (thanks for leaving the message... I've been sort of out of operation for a while). And anyway, I just read your news. Had no idea. I'm so sorry.

Speaking from experience, it takes a while. You can take as long as you need (in fact, you have to, it the nature of the beast). Just take good care of yourself.

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