Sunday, April 13, 2008

sometimes blogs are just about feelings and aren't funny

New relationships are hard. I've been in my current one for only a few months, and we've lived together for most of it. My previous relationship lasted over 10 years, and started when I was just 15. I think that is why it didn't work: we just didn't know how to be in an adult relationship and eventually it took its toll.

The new bf and I are still learning things about each other. I am so happy with him that I stress and I worry that I'm going to do something to screw it up. I worry that I am showing him too much attention because I know what it's like to be shown too little. I worry that I'm smothering him by always being at his side, but when I decline to go somewhere with him, I worry that he'll feel neglected. I get jealous when he has fun without me, but I don't want to tag along just to be a nuisance or a bitch and not let anyone have any fun ever. I try to give him everything he's ever wanted, and not make any of the mistakes that his past girls have. But I'm never sure if I'm succeeding.

I've told him all of this, and have always been reassured and comforted. I know he loves me very much and would never do any of the things I'm scared of, but Emotional Girl Brain still freaks out. I know the cure to all this. I need to get out and spend time away from him. Something like a job or friends of my own would help. But as it is, we spend almost every minute together. It's a good sign that we're not sick of each other, but I think it exasperates these aforementioned feelings when we're apart.

Relationships take work. Sometimes I feel I'm not working hard enough because I don't know how. Sometimes I feel like I'm not working as hard as he is because of how wonderfully he treats me. So I don't have an ending to this blog. I just needed to write all this down to get it off my chest. I'm sure tomorrow I'll look back and wish I hadn't bared my soul to my internet friends, but for today, you know where I stand.


SUEB0B said...

The most important thing is that you two WANT to do right by each other. And that you keep communicating. Take a deep breath. It will all be ok.

super des said...

Yes, I've learned that communication is key. It is most reassuring to be able to express my fears and be answered with a big hug.

flutter said...

I have learned that worry is the antecedent to action.

Just love him.

That's all. If you do all things in love, they will edify your relationship.

super des said...

My friends are so smart.

mar said...

i hate stupid girl brain! yesterday it led me to conclusions (wrong ones) that i didn't want it to. walking over to s' to get my car & i called to ask if i could come inside to use his computer. i knew i was waking him up & then he said no, sorry you can't come in. dumb girl brain leaps to the conclusion that someone (some girl) is there, which is why i can't come in. the fact that there were movie ticket stubs left in my car from the night before didn't help. well, turns out he was actually on an army buddy's couch, which is why he couldn't let me come in. and i knew exactly where my brain was going to leap, but it still crushed me beyond belief. and since we're not actually 'together' anymore i have no right to be jealous. and i hate that that's where my brain goes. it's exhausting to have those emotions. gah, i need a nap!

super des said...

God, my brain would have done the same place. Then I would have been mad, and then madder at myself for being mad.
Isn't there a switch or something we can have installed?

Suzanne said...

First, stop putting yourself down. Just be yourself and it will all work out. Second, stop putting "girl brains" down. Emotions aren't solely the domain of girls, and they aren't bad things, either. If not for emotions, we'd never feel happy, joyous, euphoric, ecstatic, or any of the good things. :)

super des said...

I wasn't putting myself down.

and I use the term "Emotional Girl Brain" to contrast with my Logical Robot Brain. I'm not saying all emotions are bad, I'm saying the irrational ones that make me act stupid are, well, stupid. And it's just in regards to me... no other women are involved in my statements.

Suzanne said...

I thought you seemed kinda hard on yourself. That's all.

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