The Fear

I was lying on my bed staring at my mountainous bookshelf when my eye fell upon a book called “Latin Made Simple.” I bought this book on clearance because at some point I will be learning Latin (it’s hard to have a specialization in Medieval Literature without it), yet I have never even opened the book. This small realization set off The Fear.

In recent years, I have been basing my life decisions on that fact that I will soon be going to grad school and will have a PhD in literature. I will go on to become a college professor and never have to work retail or a boring office job ever again. I’ve been taking it for granted that I will be accepted into the program. After all, I’m applying to a city university, not some competitive Ivy-League prestige box.

But The Fear had set in. What if I don’t get accepted into CUNY? I have my heart set on quitting my job in July just before the BlogHer conference and my friend’s wedding. I am really looking forward to not having to deal with these incompetent idiots anymore. I hate getting up at 6:45 am to wait for a crowded train, then walking from the station to work straight into the icy wind coming off the East River. It will be so nice to be able to get packages delivered to my home because I will be there to sign for them. If it’s a nice spring day, or a horrible winter one, I won’t be stuck traveling to an office.

Then again, what if I do get accepted but have no money to live off of? Obviously I won’t have an income, and Craig still has one more year of school. I will have student loans, and Craig is working this summer at a law firm specifically so I can go back to school (the Ultimate Sacrifice), but what if that’s not enough?

So these thoughts rattled through my brain at 1 am while I cried. Craig and the cat did a good job of comforting and reassuring me, but once The Fear has set in, it is especially hard to get rid of. But I’m too far in the process of applying* to stop now. And there’s always the possibility that everything will work out well – after all, I’ve been accepted into colleges before. But as with any life change, The Fear is always lingering, hiding in the shadows waiting for a moment of weakness to pounce.

* I finally got my 2^nd (and final) letter of recommendation, over 2 months after receiving the first. All I have to do now is stop rewriting my personal statement and physically mail the application packet in.