dear diary

I'm lucky. I don't have any real problems. I can pay all my bills. My family is in good health (though far away). I may hate my job, but at least I have one. Comparatively, I have nothing to complain about.*

But some days I hate the world. Everything everyone says is the stupidest thing ever. People seem more pushy and inconsiderate on the train. I am just cranky and crabby and all sorts of things that start with "cra." Today was one of those days. I didn't go to the gym, even though I brought all my stuff with me. Instead, I came home, a bachelorette for the day, and had a leftover sandwich, a bowl of cereal, and popcorn. Then a yummy alcoholic concoction of coffee, chocolate milk, and kahlua. I watched the Simpsons. I have work to do, but as you can see, I'm not doing it. It will just have to wait until I'm feeling better.**

There's not even a reason for this. Nothing bad happened today -it was a normal day. I think that might be the problem. I'm so sick of getting up super early to walk through the freezing cold (today had a high of 21, with 40mph winds - fucking cold) to go to a job that I hate, and then not have anything to do while I'm there. The way I feel right now, I just might not go to work ever again. I'm not motivated to do anything. I'd be fine, never leavig my house again. I have enough DVDs and CDs and blankets to stay here forever. Right now I don't even want Craig to come home from school. I just want to brood in my unhappiness.

You might say, des, there are things you can do about this. Drugs you can take (both prescribed and illegal). People you can talk to. Life changes you can make. But like I said, I'm unmotivated. I'll do nothing , and the feeling will pass. Later it will come back, maybe stronger. You might blame it on the weather. But I wouldn't mind the weather if I was having fun. I'll have bouts of unhappiness in springtime too, just you wait.

So that's me today. I feel like I've dug myself into a hole, and I want to stay here. I want someone to hug me, but I know that if someone else was here I would just snap at him or her and make him feel bad, thus making myself feel worse.

I'm using the blog as it's intended purpose - an online diary just to vent my feelings. I don't care if people read it or not. I guess I could have written it on paper, and turned it into a bad emo poem. And it would be bad, because I suck at poetry (except haiku). But I'm too unmotivated to even do that. I can't believe I wrote this whole thing.

And of course I'm not suicidal or anything, so don't get your panties in a bunch. I'm just Meh. Angry, cranky meh.



* There is a joke by Nick Swardson (love him!) that goes along these lines: He calls his grandma. How was her day? Well, another of her friends died. How was Nick's day? Oh man, it totally sucked. First he missed his bus, then the Yankees lost. Nick realizes that the days just don't compare.

** Don't tell anyone, but I am feeling a little better. I blame Nick Swardson, because as I was watching clip after internet clip looking for the joke mentioned in the above footnote, he did make me chuckle a bit.