tips for a healthy woman

As a vegetarian, I often buy soy protein powder. Recently I’ve switched to the GNC brand. The first one I bought was under “women’s health.” It was good, but a little too sweet. It tasted like cake frosting. I bought another one recently from a bigger store. It was essentially the same product, but was not specifically for women. This one does not taste like cake frosting. It tastes like regular chocolate shake.

I came to a realization. In order to get women to eat healthier, they need to make things taste like the unhealthy things that women eat while they are watching Oprah and sitting on their butts not working. So of course cake frosting is the natural choice. Studies have shown that the only way to motivate a female to lose the weight she put on after getting married is to trick her into it. If you serve her liquid cake frosting, her feeble brain won’t grasp that it is good for her.

The next step is to get her off the couch. This will cost some money, but a man must be willing to invest some of his hard-earned cash in order to have attractive arm candy that he can show off in public (the wife must be included sometimes so she does not become suspicious of the pretty new “secretary”). First, a TIVO must be purchased so she does not miss her favorite shows (i.e. all of them). Then you must dangle your credit card in front of her and tell her about the giant one-day sale at Macy’s, or any other large department store. Not only will this get her walking, but she will also burn more calories while heavily laden with expensive new things. If possible, make this a team effort: find a buddy who is facing the same problem, and get his wife to accompany your wife. It’s a proven fact that as emotional creatures, women will spend more energy (and money) when encouraged by other women.

This can go on for only so long before you run out of money. The woman must never stop drinking the liquid cake frosting, but be sure to limit her consumption per day. However, another good trick is to buy her a puppy. It must be a puppy because they are cute. If possible, find a puppy that will match the favorite of your wife’s new outfits. The advantage to this are as follows:
1. A puppy will require walking. This will get the woman off the couch.
2. If the puppy co-ordinates, the woman will want to take her new accessory everywhere, thus inadvertently burning more calories.
3. If the puppy is of a small breed, the woman will have to carry it, and bend over to pick it up and put it down. More calories burnt.

So there you have it, men. My sure-fire way to perk up your frumpy wife. And if this doesn’t work, you still have the option of plastic surgery. And your attractive new secretary.