math > stupid

I don't like math. It upsets me. I did math fine when I was in school and I needed to do math. I got A++++s in algebra and geometry. I never took trigonometry. But until then, math and I got along fine. We were acquaintances that didn't make an effort to see each other, but if we were at a party together it was not so bad. When I got to college and had to take math as a genetics major, I learned 2 things:

1) The math department at UCDavis sucks. The teachers I'm sure are brilliant, but not a one of them knows how to convey their knowledge to the "eager" students sitting in their giant lecture hall, not sleeping. (I have had many many people agree with this statement through their own experience.)
I even had one teacher fail me because I missed a test. But it's not like I overslept and missed a test. No, I told him weeks in advance that I was going to be out of town watching my sister graduate from college. I only have one sister. She only went to college once. And she won Woman of the Year for godsakes! I was going to go see the ceremony. When I told my teacher this, he said that I couldn't make up the midterm I would miss. The midterm that was worth 50% of my grade. ("We all have excuses," he said.) So, I went to see my sister graduate. When I came back, there was a lot less stress, because I already knew I had failed. If it hadn't been between other classes, I would never have gone back. But I did go back because my friend was in that class. If my friend didn't show up, I went outside and read. Then on the final (the other 50% of the grade), instead of proving what x was, I explained to the teacher what exactly made him a bad teacher. That was the only time I ever wrote an essay for math class. But it felt great.

2. Higher math and I don't get along like the lower maths and I do. I tried 3 different times to take calculus. The first was the time I just talked about. The second, I was somehow enrolled in a class called Advanced Calculus for Engineers. I am not an engineer. I didn't have one of those fancy engineering calculators that cost $200 (which actually worked out for me because the teacher hated them and they weren't allowed in class). I studied my goldfarn butt off for that class, seriously like 4 hours a day. Every day. And I was still not what you would call "doing well." After I took the final, I emailed my teacher and basically said, "look - we both know I don't belong here. I've worked really hard, but all I need is a C to pass. If I get a C, you will never hear from me again because I will not be in any class involving the words advanced calculus or engineers." Maybe it was all the studying, maybe it was the last-minute begging, but I did get a C in the class. True to my word, I made extra sure that next semster was something like Calculus for Beginners. Which brings me to experience #3.

In this class, I actually knew the material. Remeber those hours of studying for the other class? They made it so that the much easier class was just that. However, the teacher needed work. First off, who gives multiple choice tests in math? Secondly, if you make your own multiple choice tests, can you please be sure that the correct answer is indeed one of the choices? Thanks so much. Nothing more frustrating than knowing you know the answer, but not being able to find it on your scantron.

So guess what? I dropped math entirely, for what I thought was forever. No genetics degree. No pharmacy school. Literature degree, yes!

And then came graduate school. I figured, if I'm going to have a useless degree like a BA in literature, why not make it a fancy useless degree? Having a PhD is more than what most people do, even if it is in something like literature. So, in order to obtain said fancy degree, I need to take a little test called the GRE. (It rhymes - it must be true!) My entrance into grad school depends on my doing well on this test.

The test is in 3 parts: Essay writing. I think I can handle that, as I've been known to write a few things in my day. Verbal section. Cool beans, more words. Quantative section. That means math. Yes, for some reason, I need to show that as a future literature professor, I can do algebra that I learned between 6 and 10 years ago, and haven't even thought of since. Super duper.

So, like the good little student that I am, trying to maybe earn some sort of scholarship for my greatness, I study for the GRE. I have books, computer programs, pencils, you name it. The verbal section is clearly my strong suit. Actually, I never even practice the essays because writing essays is the thing that I do. So I do study for the other two, and out of those, verbal is my strong suit. This surprises nobody. My score is not as great as I would like it to be, but it's getting there. There is marked improvement every time I take a practice test. The math section, however, is a different story.

Every practice test I've ever taken always comes out with the exact same score. I'm not getting any better, but I'm certainly not getting any worse, either. Problem is, my never-changing score is nowhere near "good." I think it's fine for a literature major, but I'm up against engineers and mathers of all types. My score is compared to theirs. The admissions people will see that I'm not as good as these people - no matter who they are.

I just finished taking another test. I did improve, finally. I'm still not aces, but I'm slowly slithering up the ramp. I am still angry at this "math section" for even existing, but my feelings are offset by knowing that most of the questions I missed were right at the end (the last 6 or so). The questions get harder as the test goes on, so even though I did miss a couple of the easier ones, my heart rests knowing I missed the ones I was more supposed to miss.

Many people have told me that the program I'm applying to will be a bit leniant on the section of the test that has nothing to do with my field of study. I'm hoping and praying that this is true. But I still need to put an effort in to not being the worst person ever in the math section. If I am perfectly average, that is perfectly fine with me. I haven't set a date for the actual test-taking yet, but it's rapidly approaching nonetheless. So I'm a-studyin'. Mathing it up.

Pray for me.