smell-power

I watched an episode of Unsolved Mysteries when I was younger. Actually, I think I watched every episode, but that’s because I’m a giant nerd (and Robert Stack – who could resist?). But the episode I’m going to focus on now featured a guy that could see people’s auras. They would have something like a colored cloud around them, and the color of the cloud depended on their mood. This guy could see their cloud and know how to react before they started yelling, crying, or laughing. I never gave much thought to it. I only remember one scene from the “re-enactment” – he was gardening and he saw a red cloud coming his way. His neighbor marched up to him and before she could begin her rant, he said “Mrs. Johnson, you are far too angry to hold a conversation right now. Please come back when you’ve calmed down.” She was so flabbergasted that she went home.

This has always stuck with me as some sort of useless super power, like being able to stop hiccupping on command. It’s a neat trick to show your friends, but doesn’t really benefit humanity in any way.

Now some background on myself: I have a super sense of smell. I don’t consider it a super power though. Some people have really good vision while others of us need glasses to see small things at night that are far away. I can smell things. It’s more of a nuisance than a blessing, really. You’d be amazed at how stinky the world can be*. And it’s no fun being the guy people come to if they are unsure as to the rottenness level of their food. However, I can be Homer Simpson and lead a raft of castaways to the nearest Krusty Burger by smell alone. So if we’re ever lost at sea in the fog and there is a fast food joint nearby, thank your lucky stars you’re with me.

Some people have such distinctive smells. Their house, clothes, and everything smells like them, and I can identify them solely by this smell. There was one family I visited a lot when I was little, and they all smelled the same. Their house was pungent and I could barely breathe inside, but it wasn’t a bad smell; just strong. Even though I haven’t seen any members of this family in 15 years, I’m sure I could still pick them out of a smell-lineup.

I’ve never liked large crowds for many reasons, one of which being the smells. If you’re ever with me in this situation, you will invariably see me make at least one Face of Disgust as I catch a whiff of someone who doesn’t shower, uses too much cologne / perfume / hairspray, or all of the above. This is normal and I know others can smell this too. It’s just stronger to me, so I smell it first and more of it.

p.s. This is also why I myself do not use these products if I can help it.
However, you might also catch me making a Face of Confusion. Often, people have smells that don’t make sense, like dish soap or maple syrup. It’s ok to smell a little bit like these things, if for instance you work in a waffle house washing the dishes. But to reek of it is completely abnormal. But I smell these smells, along with other ducks just as odd, fairly often. It’s gotten me to thinking.

What if instead of seeing pretty colors according to people’s mood, I smell funky smells? It would explain a lot. I have always been good at reading people; gauging them and acting the proper way as to ensure the least drama possible. What if these smells are registering subconsciously in my brain, triggering the proper mood calculators? My only problem is that I haven’t yet deciphered what each smell means. Maple syrup = excitement? Dish soap = annoyance? (I smell dish-soap-people mostly on the crowded commute home from work, and the strongest incidence of maple syrup was a family at Niagra Falls.)

I will have to do more research on this revolutionary new theory, maybe employing the use of mood rings. Most of the time I don’t talk to the people I smell (or anyone, for that matter) so further study will be difficult. I do think my research will help the world, however. Maybe dish soap is the reason that doing the dishes is so annoying. And maple syrup is the reason that IHOP is the best place on earth. (That also may be because IHOP is one of those places I only go after a fun time somewhere else.)

Now don’t judge me and my super “mind reading” abilities. You are so jealous that I can read people just by being near them. I can tell who is coming, who has just been, and how they are feeling. Or, I am building the evidence to be used against me in my court-decided battle for sanity.


*I do love me some Botanic Gardens though!