preggers (not me)

So, I've recently learned that a good friend will soon be having her first child. This is someone I've known for years, and both myself and the soon-to-be-named Law Student were members of the wedding party. I was then given this dictation to send to the soon-to-be-father of the soon-to-be child (as yet unnamed) :

To: Soon-to-be-father (his real name was there in the original letter)
From: Craig Bolton

Re: impregnation

Dear Sir:
I understand congratulations are in order. So here they are: Congratulations.

I wanted to especially express how impressed I am with the fine work you've done. The production of children by members of your office has increased from zero to one for the fiscal year. This represents an uncalcuable exponential increase over the previous fiscal year, when said production total was zero. The fact that no matter how many times you multiply zero by another, larger number, and you still end up with zero, only makes your accomplishment more impressive, as attempting to express the growth rate in a percentage becomes mathematically impossible.

In closing, I would like to point out that I have always thought that "Craig" is a fine first name for a child, whether for a boy or a girl. Similarly, "Craig" also makes a fine, and often overlooked, middle name. And while you're at it, you might as well go for the triple crown and change your child's last name to "Craig" as well. The effect of such a name when written or typed is quite striking. Observe: Mr/Ms. Craig Craig Craig.

Thank you once more, and keep up the good work.

Sincerely, etc.
Craig Bolton