Confessions of a Reality TV Star (almost)

I was almost a reality TV star. Sure it would have been on Lifetime, but I would have bade you all watch it. Sadly, it didn’t happen.

It started one day at work when I had nothing to do (shock). I was looking at Craigslist for my dream job. You know the one I mean – work from home, no boss, flexible hours, great pay. Of course I didn’t find it (because it doesn’t exist), but I did find something else; an ad for 25 year old girls to star in a new reality TV show. Surprisingly, it wasn’t a porno.

To apply, you had to write a certain number of words in an essay describing why you should be the poster child for “25 in’06” (clever title, no?). I don’t remember exactly what I wrote, but I do know that it consisted of only one sentence. It said basically that I was the best, and everyone wants to be me, even if they don’t know it. Obviously a thought-filled essay that took hours to prepare.

But it worked. I got called for an on-camera interview. It was in a convenient location (Midtown Manhattan) so I went. No biggie. We had other things to do that day, so Craig tagged along. Plus I’m sure he was a bit wary of letting me go to an "interview" that was advertised on Craigslist. Rightly so, but unnecessary in this case.

There were about 5 or 6 other girls waiting in the tacky, stuffy hallway of the hotel where the interviews were being held. They were all annoying, and talked about how they had come from such far away places as Long Island and New Jersey. I withheld the fact that I lived a half-hour train ride away.

There was one girl in particular I wanted to smash right away. Everyone had dressed up a little, but this girl took it too far. While I’m in my long burgundy skirt and KDVS t-shirt with some abnormal hair color, she was the Accessories Queen. Not only did her little skirt perfectly coordinate with her shoes and little jacket, but she had that one indispensable accessory that no girl can do without: a tiny dog sitting in a giant bag. You don’t even have to ask if the bag was of the same fabric as the skirt, shoes, and jacket, and if the dog wore a matching collar. Of course they were. All black & white houndstooth. I should add that in addition to all this, she also had another accessory - a matching boyfriend. Granted, he wasn’t clad in black & white houndstooth, but he did have the black & white down. Clearly, he wasn’t in charge of his own wardrobe.

*note – I too had my boyfriend with me, but our outfits did not match nearly as well as theirs.

The girls made small talk with one another while Craig and I whispered about how much we hated them. Then suddenly: “So, um, how did you guys find out about this?” asks the AQ. Everybody mumbles “Craigslist.” “Oh really? Because the producers saw my website and asked me to come down.” Then because nobody asked the question she was leading us to ask, she answered it herself. “Yeah, I have a website. I’m a model, and an actress, and I have sex with my little dog while my boyfriend tapes it.” She may not have said that last bit. I wasn’t paying attention because Craig and I had suddenly erupted into thinly veiled coughing fits.

We realized later how hilarious it would have been if I had said “Oh yeah that’s why I’m here too.” But at the time I was too busy convulsing with silent laughter to say anything,

Eventually AQ goes in for her interview, and all her accessories go with her. This is all I need to persuade myself that her boyfriend is in fact a wax dummy; he is allowed inside the room while Craig is not. Not that Craig wanted to go in anyway.

My turn is next. My interviewer explains the rules, and tells me to be myself, only magnified. Overact like myself. No problem! I tell about how I hate my job, and I’m going back to school, and how even though I’ve had the same boyfriend for 9 years, I am not married. Asked to expand on that, I used the world’s best line:

“Well, when all my friends are getting married and having kids, I feel a little stab – right here – (points to heart) that I don’t have that joy.”

The cameraman / interviewer cracks up at this. After about 20 minutes or so, he says he had enough footage. According to him, I did really well and he really liked me, but he let me in on a little secret. The girls the producers are looking for fit into certain categories:

1. Single girls “on the prowl” living the life in the dating scene
2. Married girls with a big problem like they want kids but can’t conceive, or something like that.

So I was wrong; it is a porno. But since I’m in the category of “girl in a stable, long-term relationship,” I don’t fit the bill. The interviewer assured me once again that I was really good and maybe the producers would want me for the show anyway - but if I didn't get a call, that was why.

So here it is about 2 months later. I know this because it was just after my turning 25 in June that I did the interview. I think enough time has gone by to safely say that I wasn't impressive enough to cross the category line. But that's ok. I didn't really want cameras following me around all day showing me not work, go out with friends, or *ahem* getting intimate with Craig. Just as long as the Accessories Queen doesn't make it. I don't want to see her do any of that stuff either.

p.s. Reading that last line back to myself, it sounds like I don't want to see AQ getting intimate with Craig. While this is true, it's not what I meant. However, if for some reason AQ were to proposition Craig (and why not? he's a good looking boy!), I can be sure that he would refuse her so fast her head would spin. Not only out of undying love for me, but because of her flat-out skankiness. And this goes for everything from his sleeping with her to his dressing like her.