Monday, April 10, 2006

damn, what a downer

My sister's best friend's brother was found dead in his army bunk a few days ago. Coincidentally or not, it broke an unintentional silence between my sister & I. She expressed her happiness at having our brother & I still alive & well, though "well" is a relative term. Sure, we all have our health. Except for our mom. She does have health problems, but they are not as bad as other people in her situation.

"Living well" is another term entirely. You all know I have my financial woes and I live 3000 miles away from my friends & family, and work at a job that I hate, so that I can continue living exactly the same way. My mom is poorer than me, and because of her illness can do very little about it. My brother is 16 but has already dropped out of school & been in jail. I can't blame him though. Who cares about schoolwork when you're living in a car with your mom and various pets? (FYI they don't live in a car anymore.) My sister is the one among us who is doing the best. She has used her advanced degrees and scholastic awards to procure herself a nice steady job, involving lots of travel. She has a live-in boyfriend, and though he looks straight out of Blink 182, he is a good guy. I think I actually come in second in this family, which is a cause for pity. Craig was (is) a big help in that department (see, I have my own live-in boyfriend to make my life better).

I met the aforementioned army guy a few times. Apparantly he had a few problems emotionally, and his sister was relieved (in a way) that he was finally at peace. I don't want anyone to say that about me, especially if I find my death in some unknown way while waiting to be shipped off towards an even more gruesome death. This will sound incredibly selfish, but I want no one to be "relieved" after I die. I don't want to be known for my emotional problems or physical problems. I don't want my last years to be those of misery. I want to live a long fruitful life, leaving very few mourners. I know a few people (family, friends) that would be torn apart if I were gone before them (and not just gone to the other side of the country where we can still keep in touch).

Of course, I would feel a certain way if any of my friends or family was suddenly gone. I've been lucky enough to have never lost a friend, and only very few family members. I lost a grandma when I was 2, so I don't even remember her. My uncle died when I was around 10 (remember that whole AIDS walk thing?) and my Grandpa while I was a freshman in college. Also while I was in college my stepdad died when mixing alcohol & sleeping pills (shall we say by accident?). My other grandma had done this exact same thing several years before. Incidentally, I didn't care much for either of them.
So of the 4 people I've lost over the years, 2 I hated, and 2 I didn't see as often as I should have, what for living so far away.

I have lost my share of pets of course. Sometimes when I am depressed I think about what would happen if Mecru died. I would cry my little heart out. Then I think "what if Craig died? Or my mom?" This makes me cry even more. I'm so wonderfully morbid sometimes. These are thoughts I seriously try to avoid.

So the point is, I don't know. I could say something like "live every day to it's fullest" and "forward this on to anyone who has touched your life" (because forwarding an email is so much more touching than saying a personal hello - but that is a different rant entirely) but who really does that? Does anyone read something like this, suddenly realize their own mortality, quit their job, and move to a secluded shack in the woods to enjoy every moment of life? I've never met anyone like that. Most people read things like this, think for a minute, get sad, and then move on with their day. You should do that now. I'm sorry to bring you down. I will go back to feeding my new addiction (Snood) and write another, more upbeat, blog in a little while.

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